The Phoenix Effect Part 1: The Realization

The Phoenix Effect Part 1: The Realization

As you have all come to expect, when I have any significant event in my life it will be followed by a blog. Well as fate would have it this will be one of the longest and most intimate because in this case it was a significant “emotional” event. I will not use names and I will not indulge in “mud slinging”. Not because I am afraid of someone “cutting the buck” that I could honestly care less about, however it has NEVER been my style to say that I LOVE someone on Monday and then say that I HATE them on Wednesday. There is still a LOT of love there and because of that I am going to have to act out. Unfortunately for those of us that have been in this situation we find out the hard way that LOVE indeed does endure. That lil’ bastard is very resilient, lol. I do however feel that I have been mis-represented by an individual or 2 and want to clear the air. As with all of my blogs this is a cleansing for ME, not anyone else. Some folks deal with life situations the way they do and I deal with mine the way I do.

The Phoenix

To those of you that may not be familiar with the mythical bird known as the Phoenix I will give a brief explanation. The Phoenix is a bird of extraordinary plumage and beautiful color. The bird itself lives for a life-span of 500-1000 years. At the point that the bird feels that he will die, he builds a nest of sticks and twigs and lays in waiting until the time comes and his last breath ignites the nest. The flames consume both him and the nest in a magnificent inferno. Once the bird and nest are reduced to ashes, a brand new Baby Phoenix appears from the ashes to live for another 500-1000 years. Now the only uncertainty to the story is the debate of whether or not it is a brand new offspring that rises from the ashes or is it the same magnificent bird reborn for another 500-1000 years. For my own selfish reasons I would like to think that the same bird is indeed re-born with the knowledge of the past 500+ years. This is what enables the bird to survive for this immense length of time. Just think about how you could improve your quality of life if you were able to die and be reborn knowing what you knew your entire life. The pitfalls that you could avoid, the investments you could make and the mistakes you could avoid.

So this will be a 4 part series that will cover the next few weeks and possibly months. This first part will be known as “The Realization”. This is where the Phoenix acknowledges that his time has actually come to pass.

These last few weeks and even further back to the last few years have been pretty much what I consider to be an awakening so to speak. Anyone that knows me also knows that there has been a change of epic proportions in the last week or so. Before I do however go into it I will state that we are still friends. We are not slinging mud at each other and it is a process to make a transition of this magnitude. So with that please respect her as well as me. NOW………..let me get to something that you all will find strangely uncharacteristic of me but hey what do you do. Please forgive the next section as it will more than likely not be as eloquent as my usual banter.

BITCH ASS NESS

Some things are unwritten rules for “friends”. Some things don’t need to be asked or explained. One of these unwritten rules will come in the form of keeping the discussions between friends. To give you a few small details without using names here is the scenario:

If I am asking questions that I do not get answers to I will seek knowledge elsewhere. I can’t apologize for this as it is just how I am; hate it or love it. So I called someone that I “assumed” was a friend to inquire about some of the “new” habits of my girlfriend as I figured he would know. Well 2 questions were asked and both were answered with inaudible mumbles that told me he was uncomfortable with providing ME answers. Usually this only happens when someone knows or suspects something that they don’t want to say. No problem, I get it. Well it seems as if he only had that communication gap with ME. As on the next available day he chose to not only tell the entire contents of OUR conversation to my now ex-girlfriend but apparently elaborate to the point that she was upset. Now this is a CLEAR violation of what we call “Man Law” and is described as Bitch Ass-Ness. To my limited recollection there are only 3 reasons that a man would do such a thing:

1. He is one of the subjects or is messing with her himself

2. He WANTS to be one of the subjects or wants to try

3. He knows someone that is and doesn't want this person caught up.

Now I can say that NONE of these reasons are valid. No matter what your agenda, you shouldn't have to break code to fulfill said agenda. If you have desires to get what I have then do it on your own merit. Keep my fucking name out of your mouth. Now you can deny it if you want but remember fella, I was sitting on the sidelines with you before you knew we were dating so I know what you REALLY want to do. Now I am in a quandary of sorts.

Now that I have been wronged I feel the need to be retaliatory. I already know what some of you are thinking. "Nine you're better than that", "Don't stoop to his level" or "Don't be messy like that because it's not a good look". Well to that I say "Yes indeed, I am better than that and honestly that entitles me to be afforded the opportunity to get on that level at anytime and I could really give a damn less what kind of look it gets me". Yes Boys and Girls, I am about to engage in SUPERIOR Bitch Ass-ness. "But Why Nine, WHY?". Because this entire ordeal has brought me more PERSONAL pain than I could have ever imagined and his inability to keep his mouth shut was the final catalyst. Therefore I want Him to experience that pain as well, or a form of it anyway. There are a few quotes that I coined and use frequently; one is:

People do things without the fear of repercussions - Nine

There is a VERY thin line between genius and insanity. That can usually be found in the application. - Nine

Well repercussions are due and I have been tipped to insanity. Not one time while I was there did I put his dirt out there. How did I know said dirt? Because he confided in me as i did him. After repeated ribbings and fishing by those around us I stayed the course and never divulged what I knew. However this was not reciprocated. Not a problem. I have a fix for this condition. It's called "Let's find out how the Mrs. Feels about your girlfriend". The great thing about my profession is that personal information is so readily available such as Spouse's name, last place of employment and PHONE NUMBERS. This gives me the ability to be as Dirty, Devious, Diabolical and Despicable as anyone out there. Once again denial is futile because once that seed is planted……it will grow. She will be able to connect some dots, fill in some blanks and what not. So good luck with the explanation of "He's only saying that because I told his lady he was asking me questions about her." Then she would probably ask you what we are all wondering. "Why would you go and do that?" Up until this point in my life my "Superman-like" mentality of the proverbial "good guy" USUALLY prevents me from acting out to this extent. Well think of this as me on Red Kryptonite (look it up). At this point in my life I am tired of being the good guy and just taking it. Time for me to dish it out! Besides, I am due my re-birth soon anyway. Some of you may wonder what I want to gain from any of this, or do I have delusions that this will repair my now shattered relationship......the answer is NOTHING and NO I DON'T. I just want someone (involved) to experience hurt. That's it.

Now in the interest of fairness I will wait approximately 48hours from the date this is posted to make the contact with said spouse. Think I'm selling wolf-tickets? Try me. So there it is. Now I will say that I know from experience that it always sounds better coming from you than from an outside source. My recommendation, tell the Mrs. yourself. One caveat I will put here is that there are individuals that can tell me something that will stop all of this. One clue is that he is one of them. He has my number so that part is up to him……….moving on.

The craziest thing of all is where the idea to actually do this manifested. In the movie Inception they speak of someone planting a seed and it spreading and growing like a cancer. I was presented with an idea long ago and just like they said the seed was planted and it spread. I had a discussion with a beautiful young lady that told me she kept all of the e-mails her lover had sent to her. She used this as a sort of "heartbreak insurance". When I asked what was the purpose she said "well if he chooses to leave me after telling me about how much he loves me, wants to start a life with me and so on; then gets back with her once he leaves here I will send her all of the e-mails." I was like "Well damn that’s pretty harsh don’t you think." She responded in a way that up until now I couldn't fully wrap my mind around. She said "If after all that he said and drew me in to fall in love with him he was to do that and break my heart, then I was going to break his and make sure he wasn't happy." Intense, yes. Vengeful, yes. Crazy, maybe so. But at that point I realized that you do not play with matters of the heart.

So hard to breathe this air that we call love,

Ain't nothing worse than the hurt we receive from love,

When you get hurt by the one you living for,

Pain can make you wanna love no more

- Loving You No More

Have I been less than stellar in my behavior in the past year…..yes I have. There are things I look back on now and wish I would have done different. Statements that I SHOULD have taken at face value only. Things that I realize were said “for the moment”. Because of that there are people that have become collateral damage in the wake of this. Does he know of this activity? Why yes he does HOWEVER I would be concerned IF I didn't have a small document that says I am no longer married. Besides there is a distinct possibility that because of everything that has happened to me in the last 2 weeks that I felt that Karma has come to fully serve me and completely kick my ass. The strangest thing about knowing when you have hurt someone is that there is only one way to fix it and that’s with a discussion. Therefore I have already asked that other individual listed on the document for forgiveness. So there you have it. BITCH ASS-NESS to the umpteenth degree. Let's watch this unfold shall we?

Special shout goes out to Bodacious. He who kept it real by actually asking if I wanted to hear the truth and then gave it to me. I will say that it did indeed lessen the blow when what you said actually came to pass. That was definitely the Yin to the Yang that is my current situation. Much love and respect.

So in summary my Realization comes in the form of me now knowing that once I am re-born from the ashes and in order for me to live out my next full lifespan I cannot re-emerge as the good guy.

So in the words of Tony Montana:

“Say Goodnight to the Bad Guy……..the last time you will see a Bad Guy like this again I tell you!”

The clock is now ticking…………Tick Tock, Tick Tock.

I Cry

I don’t know how many of you have heard of a small time rapper/actor by the name of Tupac Shakur, lol. What a lot of people outside of the confines of the radio didn’t know is that Tupac was also a poet. Not just a conventional "street poet" but an actual writer of poems. He penned a book entitled "The Rose that Grew from Concrete". In this book are no less than 100 hand- written poems by the man himself BEFORE all of the drama, the shooting and the jail time for a crime that to this day I don’t think he committed.

One of the most poignant poems to me is called I Cry. For reasons that still escape me I am an emotional creature. Some would say that it is because I am a Pisces and others would say that it's because we all are, just some are afraid to show it. Whatever the reason I evoke emotion that some say is so powerful that they can literally feel my emotion in my words.

I Cry

Sometimes when I'm alone

I Cry,
Cause I am on my own.
The tears I cry are bitter and warm.
They flow with life but take no form
I Cry because my heart is torn.
I find it difficult to carry on.
If I had an ear to confide in,
I would cry among my treasured friend,
but who do you know that stops that long,
to help another carry on.
The world moves fast and it would rather pass by.
Then to stop and see what makes one cry,
so painful and sad.
And sometimes...
I Cry
and no one cares about why.
- Tupac Shakur

This poem conjures up so much to me because for whatever reason I can REALLY relate; not only to the poem but to Tupac as well. Here was a man that was born the son of a member of the Black Panther party; as some may know this others may not. By many assertions I have a deep knowledge of the Black Panther party from my grandfather. Although he never just came out and said that he was an active member I know now through various conversations that I had with him growing up that more than likely he was.

We are taught as boys that are to become men some day that to cry is a sign of weakness. Not to do it as to submit yourself to ridicule and embarrassment no matter what has taken place. For years I lived by this mantra as that is how I was raised. I know now that tears indeed have a place. Now I am going to say something that I want you to think about when you read this next paragraph.

Emotions are just that. Thoughts that come abound and give us a conscious mental reaction. This can be joy, anger, fear, sadness, elation……the list goes on. Now this is going to be deep:

Tears are the sole physical manifestation of emotion.

- Aaron "K-Nine" Washington

(I think I am going to patent this statement, lol)

They are indeed tangible. You can touch them, you can see them, and you can feel them roll down your face. Once a tear falls, for whatever reason, you know that you have been touched to the point of being overwhelmed with emotion so much that it had to have an outlet. That outlet is the tear. Without knowing you, anyone can see a tear and know that you feel SOMETHING, ANYTHING.

There have been times in my life that I have cried for various reasons. The death of my mother and the birth of my son. When I thought that I would never lift weights again because of a torn rotator cuff. The one constant that I know within myself if that once a tear falls from my face I am changed forever. Sometimes for the better and sometimes for the worse. When my son was born and I cried, I made a pledge to myself to ALWAYS strive to do better. When my mother passed I made a pact to myself to let any woman that I was involved with know EXACTLY how I felt about them as I didn’t think that I adequately expressed that to her before she passed. I know she knew that I loved her but sometimes, most of the time it is something that still NEEDS to be spoken. So now I make it a point to tell the women in my life that I love them when I do. I don’t want anyone to ever pass away from this Earth wondering how I TRULY felt about them.

Then there are those times that I have cried and it cleansed my soul. The tears washed away any confusion and brought a moment of clarity like none other that I have ever felt. The problem with that "moment of clarity" is that it makes me EXTREMELY self aware. To the point that every tear that is shed coats my skin with a protective layer that cannot be removed. Men don’t cry often, some say that they don’t cry at all. Just know that when/if they do, they will be changed……..FOREVER.

Just be aware that if you are the catalyst for the tears that you might not like the manifestation that occurs.

My First Love

I will start by stating that there are HUGE differences between My TRUE Love, My FIRST Love and The Love of My LIFE. I won't explain the minute nuances of each right now (as I will more than likely talk about them in later Blogs); I will right now talk about My FIRST Love.When I first met her in high school, I was just like everyone else, I was in awe. I was intimidated by her shape, stance and poise. Once I walked over to her and we made contact she immediately gave me strength, encouragement and confidence.

She let me know that she would always be there for me and support my endeavors from here on out. I would later find out just how valuable this "lifetime unconditional" support would be.

She kept her promise from day one. She was at every practice pushing me harder every day. Teaching me the strength I had within so that when the time came I would be able to draw on that strength when I needed it the most. She attended every meet, letting me know that I could have expectations but no limitations. Letting me know that inpractice I showed the promise to win, be great, legendary and even EPIC.....and I did, time after time. Before I graduated high school I was awarded Class III elite status and qualified for the Junior Olympics in my craft.

Then, came the heartbreak. I had a life changing decision to make, either leave after high school to attend US Army basic training in June or wait and compete in the Junior Olympics in August of 1992. I continued to train and she continued to support. As the time drew near for my final decision I knew deep down I would have second thoughts, however I chose to start what would become my profession.......US Army Soldier. Looking back I have no regrets however I do frequently wonder "what if"?

As I boarded the plane to leave my hometown of Kansas City, Missouri I began to have immediate withdrawals. I missed the time that I spent with her just about every day.

I missed that support and comfort that she provided while simultaneously instilling me with confidence supreme. I drew on our frequent encounters to help push me through the rigors of basic training. I would call my old coach weekly to check and see how she was doing in my absence. He would assure me that if I came home to visit, he would make sure that we would be able to train together.

Once I graduated Basic Training and AIT (Advanced Individual Training) and returned home to visit, my coach made good on his promise and made sure that our reunion was a pleasant one. Upon our first embrace, all of the feelings and old emotions I had missed so much came washing back to me like a wave from the North Shore of the Hawaiian main island.

Throughout my career she would continue to support me every chance she got. Her proven support reached the

pinnacle during my first deployment to the Balkan area of the Former Yougoslav Republic of Macedonia. I reached out to her because now more than ever I needed someone that I KNEW would not let me down. My constant contact was reciprocated by the best personal improvements in confidence mental and physical ability that I didn't even think was possible. Her unwavering support was instrumental in my making my hobby a passion that I would pursue from here on out.

I left Germany to come back stateside in 1997 injured. A serious, career ending ankle sprain that sidelined me not only physically but mentally as well. My injury lingered on so long that my physical structure suffered. My aesthetic presence suffered more than anything as I began to forget all she taught me and let myself go. Once again she contacted me to pick me up, dust me off and get my confidence back. She reminded me of what she had taught me in Macedonia. "No matter what" she said" I told you I would ALWAYS be here for you!" She began to walk with me through the rough transition and recovery process. Always encouraging me in ways that I couldn’t fathom. During that time I learned a lot about myself personally, emotionally and spiritually. I learned that when I would get depressed or down about anything, I could always call upon her to give me that moment of clarity that I so desperately needed.

In Korea she would reach out to me and issue a challenge. "Just how far can you take yourself?" She said. "Can you take yourself to the next level and validate all that you have learned to this point?" "Can you be the new poster child for inspiration under extreme circumstances?" As I sat and pondered everything that I was faced with as the challenge; I decided to embark on a journey that would define me and bring me to where I am today. With her tutelage, encouragement and support I was able to indeed take it to the next level of aesthetic excellence.

As I sit here today, recalling all that she has done for me up until this point I know now that I cannot let her down. I will once again rise like a Phoenix from the ashes to be better, stronger and faster. I will be mentally, physically, spiritually and emotionally prepared for the next chapter in my life with her help. I guess that’s how it goes with your First Love. You tend to always be drawn to one another no matter what. So now it's time again to rekindle that special affair with lifting the weights that became My First Love.

My Mask

First I would like to apologize. Because I have been living a lie. Don’t get all worried thinking I am coming out of the closet or some foolishness like that (to each their own).
From the time I was a child I have been theatrical, dramatic and very animated. I came by it honestly as my Uncle Harold was the most animated man I know. My family wasn’t rich growing up but our riches came in the form of loving life. We all have a fantastic sense of humor and can light up a room if we so please. The down side to this is that we are even better at masking emotions, shortcomings, bad behavior and just plain out wrong doing.
It's a blessing and a curse to be able to pull that off for any length of time. So much so that just like a cop that’s been undercover too long, you begin to blur your reality from REAL reality. The longer you play into this charade you find yourself at the PONR (point of no return). If you are lucky enough to fall back to Earth it is indeed a very far fall. Well, I just came thru the ozone layer and its crash and burn for me. Like the new Superman movie where he fell from space to the Central Park of Metropolis, I will leave a crater the size of a baseball field but I won't perish. I will be carried to a facility to heal and lick my wounds. But I am getting ahead of myself. Here are my confessions for the world to see. (Bout to have an Eminem in 8-mile moment……….)

I am insecure. There I said it for the entire world to read. Despite what you may see when you look at me, I don’t have the flair that I used to. I have never been one to buy into my "looks" or physical prowess because it can always be taken away in an instant. One car accident, one good fight with a baseball bat and all that "cute" and "handsome" shit is out the window. I was raised with humility and to treat people the way that I want to be treated. That has been my problem from day 1. Like Superman (I like the comparison) I have faith that the majority of mankind will do the right thing, and just like Superman I have my Kryptonite which comes in the form of love.

In every relationship that I have been in that meant anything to me I have been cheated on.Because I am not an asshole. I won't go thru your phone looking for shit, I will ask you one time "who is that on the phone" once you deem him as a friend then that’s that. So in essence I am easy to cheat on because I am a "good guy" All but two women have crippled my faith in the female species. The first one knows who she is and to this day I thank her for showing me that there are women out there that appreciate a good dude. She unknowingly facilitated the trust and faith that I had in #2. So many similarities yet so different was #2. Problem is that my Mask was what she (#2) met. She didn’t see the pain that I had endured at the time and was still dealing with.

My Swagger took a hit of Tyson-in-his-prime proportions over the course of the last 2.5 years. I was lead to believe that I was not worthy of unconditional love. Like a man in solitary confinement, sooner or later you will be broken and that’s what happened to me. It didn’t happen overnight. It took YEARS to break me down to the very last compound. Like water beating on the rocks of the beach to create sand you never notice it coming, it just happens.

Those that knew me in Texas saw me at my BEST! Swagger on a hundred-thousand-million. Not cocky, just confident. I was at the prime of my life doing what I needed to do to survive and having a ball doing it in the process. That was me. Mask off, full headshot to the camera smiling and grinning like the cat that ate the canary.

It's what came after Texas that shook my confidence to the core. Without going into the deep specifics I will give you the Cliffs Notes. Boy meets girl, boy and girl are inseparable friends, girl watches as boy goes thru painful relationship. She is there for him; boy and girl decide that they should give each other a try. Beautiful relationship ensues UNTIL boy goes to Korea. Boy and girl talk every day. Girl meets another boy. Says boy is "just a friend". Girl calls boy and says it's over (not knowing that boy was going to propose). Girl gets pregnant by new boy gets married, gets divorced. The end.
The part that no one seems to remember is that everyone was co-signing the "friend" aspect of the side relationship. "Don't worry Nine" "He ain't got nothing on you" "He's skinny and ugly" blah blah freaking blah.
Truth is, it was what I thought it was. BLUF (Bottom Line Up Front). That was start of my downward spiral. Because with all of my "attributes" it still happened. Nothing I did could stop it. I began to question everything that was me. My looks, my build, my personality, my sense of humor, my status……..everything. That is when I put on my mask. I have worn this mask since 2005. Not that everything has been a lie but I no longer had what I so deeply cherished which are indeed my sanity, demeanor and confidence. Oh sure, it looked all good as I kept my mask clean and serviceable at all times but underneath was the pain and anguish of a broken soul struggling to find my way back to glory.

Nothing in the world can break a man down like setting up the perfect trip, for the perfect proposal in front of the fountain at the Venetian with the perfect ring with who you thought at the time was the perfect woman for it all to fall apart with one……..phone………call.

I have dragged that experience into every relationship since that time. Sure I would suppress that but lingering like a Lion on the Serengeti he would wait for my moment of weakness, when I was alone and in the dark. All by myself with my overactive imagination. He would take nibbles of me to keep me weak. Not allowing me to stand. As I crawled away he would let me go just far enough to where I thought he had found another prey only to come back to me.

My battle with my insecurities seems like it will have another casualty in the form of #2. I have no reason on Earth not to trust #2 other than my own insecurities as right now I am in a low point in my life and don’t have much to offer. As #2 has gone out of her way to make me comfortable in the relationship there was just enough of a crack in MY armor to facilitate doubt as to "why me". "Am I worthy" yadda yadda yadda.

My happiness is strangely tied to my bank account balance. When I have plenty expendable cash my confidence rises. When I feel strapped, I tend to regress and lash out or just recede into the background. When I was in TX I had money, kept money and could get PLENTY money every week doing what at the time I did BEST. Entertain.
My insecurities would lead me to believe that I had nothing to offer, other than unconditional love. Although it was a scary prospect, I would give it a try. Damn the devil if my Lion didn’t reappear. At the worst time. Damn him, Damn Him to HELL!

I have a tattoo of Comedy/Tragedy mask on my arm. Got it right after the Boy Meets Girl incident. Seemed fitting as that would be the story of my life in a nutshell. I am constantly tormented by my insecurities but as I write this for my cleanse. I will for the first time in 6 years remove my mask to reveal myself to the world.

Those that have been in my corner during my mask years, I thank and salute you. For you all are the reason that I can now take this off and let my pores breathe. Once I reveal myself to become me again understand that it will be a process.

I just hope it’s not too late.

Don't Ask, Don't Tell

10% of Someone's Personal Life Shouldn’t Affect 90% of Yours

Read that statement out loud to yourself!

Greetings and salutations!!! Yeah whatever, lol. That’s not even my style so What's Good? Well once again I have to get some things out in the open so that we can move on in life and after I finish with this blog you will have (or should have) a revelation of sorts.

I will be touching on what seems to be one of the hottest topics going into 2011. The military has repealed the Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell (DADT) policy and for that I say GREAT JOB. That’s not me being facetious, that is honestly and wholeheartedly how I feel about the situation. I will say that in my 18+ years in Military service and counting; I have encountered at least 7 individuals in uniform that I know for a fact were gay. Did that change my opinion of their

work performance, no it didn’t as a matter of fact 4 of them I would have never known unless they actually told me either during or after they completed their obligated service.

There has been a plethora of plain out "ignorant ass comments" coming about from people that I would have expected better of. Honestly some of the bullshit that I have heard has prompted me to respond in an open forum because it needs to be said. I will digress for a moment to post a response that I posted to Facebook to the question:

K. Watson Posted:

There's absolutely NOTHING in this world that could make me stop loving A and J. Someone (a man) just told me he would literally stop loving his son if he choosed 2 be gay...smdh! Very touchy subject, but would you disown your child/children if he/she turned out 2 be gay or lesbian? For the record, I don't discriminate against gay and lesbian people- so NO derogatory name calling accepted on this post.

My 2 responses to her post are below:

#1 Aaron K-Nine Washington

I think that deep down it's easier for a woman to accept feminine qualities in either a male or a female child. I don't think it's by birth as much as it is choice however from a male perspective we have sons and think about them carrying the family lineage. We have dreams of grandeur for our male children that revolve around masculine qualities: Capt. of the football team, ROTC, Hockey you name it.

When a child (male specifically since he is looked upon to carry the family name) tells you that he is gay, it's an adjustment of everything that you had pictured for your child. Is it unfair to project what we think our children should become, probably but our parents did it to us and so on?

As parents we want to keep our children safe and we know that some still frown upon the homosexual lifestyle therefore putting our children at risk for unfair acts of discrimination. The lifestyle is more accepted now then it ever was and I for one don't have a problem with homosexuals. If my son was to tell me he was gay I wouldn't love him any less. I would just reverse my vasectomy and try again, lol. There would be questions (of course) so that we can know that it wasn't something that we did to facilitate that change in the form of pampering every time they cry, having them hang around mom and her friends ALL THE TIME, lol.

#2 Aaron K-Nine Washington

What my son ultimately does in his personal life doesn't affect me as much as I would like to think it would. He would get all of the love and support that he does now. Honestly if he felt comfortable enough to confide in me his true heart's desires who would I be as a parent to betray that confidence by blasting his choice?
I wasn't always a squeaky clean dude, have done some downright mean shit at times. But at the end of the day we see our children in spurts once they leave the nest and I will be damned if every time he shows up I give him drama over something that I can't really actively see 90% of the time. We all just want our children to be successful and safe. If he chose to sell drugs that would be an issue, rob banks for a living an issue, stand on the corner and do nothing all day but drink 40's an issue. Telling me he has a successful job, a car, a roof over his head and a boyfriend........no issue.

Besides I have never seen a broke gay man, lol. So I guess that's a plus :-)

Now that’s EXACTLY how I feel about the DADT policy change. Let's take a deep look into ourselves and let me run some things past you. Now this isn’t to change your mind about your belief system but understand how ignorant some of you sound when you try to push your beliefs on others.

I masturbate…….there I said it. I masturbate because I like it. It feels good to me, I like it, and I do it often end of story. (An ejaculation a day keep prostate cancer away J ) you can click this link as well if you don’t believe me. Now, there are people that frown HEAVILY upon masturbation. "It's against nature blah blah blah". (Someone needs to tell the monkeys that, LMAO) "When you masturbate you spill and waste the seed blah blah blah". (Uh….hello, yea I have no "seed" and if I did there would be plenty where that first batch came from, lol) "Even the Bible tells you not to do it BLAH BLAH FRIGGING BLAH! (Are we REALLY going to go with the selective passages again? I mean how many of you break one of the 10 commandments every single day?) To that I say this: First off, does that affect my work performance, no. Would you have known if I didn’t tell you, possibly if you would assume I am like most people. Have you EVER seen me do it (there are a VERY select few that can answer that so you all pipe down, lol)? The overwhelming majority I would say 99.9% of the people I know have to answer NO to that question. Bottom line up front is that what you can't see shouldn’t affect your life.

Now let's look at Homosexuals vs. Heterosexuals. The major MAJOR difference is that Homosexuals sleep with people of the same gender and Heterosexuals sleep with people of the opposite gender. Now when was the last time you saw 2 gay men having sex in a department store, grocery store, in the line at a baseball game ect. Go ahead……..I will wait for a response……….*Waiting patiently, silence befell the room*, ok the answer is more than likely NEVER. What they do with their personal time will not affect you the same way me "spilling the seed" will not have any impact what-so-ever in your life.

They are not going to go on some Military Raping Spree, cause trust me there are wayyy too many "straight men" that have that shit covered, right 2ID? They are not going to change the uniform color to pink. They will have to adhere to the same standards, regulations and policies as the rest of the Operational Military Service. So please check your thought process, besides you have served or are probably serving with and are very close friends with someone that is Homosexual right now. Will you stop associating with someone because of their sexual preference? If so that means that you are possibly a small minded lemming that is going with the crowd; and they didn’t need your particular type of "conditional friendship anyway.

As a Black man I can honestly say that this was probably the same way "they" responded when they allowed African-American to serve. I can here it now, "Awwww shit Zeke Those N****RS are gonna have chicken bones and watermelon seeds all over the place blah blah blah." Sounds crazy hella ignorant now doesn’t it? So get ahead of the curve and understand that it's here, so deal with it.

By the way……..yeah this was written by a Heterosexual Male, so get over yourself, because they have already gotten over you!

If You Are a Product of Your Environment, Elevate Your Company

Sometimes I get rather preachy about certain things and this one is constantly striking a nerve with me. Now I will say that there have been PLENTY of times in my life that I have been subjected to foolishness that was so routine that I myself became a product of my environment. Now don’t get me wrong and mistake me for some mindless lemming that will follow the crowd off of a cliff because, uh, yeah, that AIN'T me, lol. It has nothing to do with being weak minded, soft or devoid of making decisions. It has more to do with the constant monotony thrown at you like waves crashing into rocks and turning them to sand.

Sometimes you just give up and go along. Sometimes it can actually be a good thing but 9 times out of 10 it's a bad thing, a very bad thing. See the major problem with becoming a product of your environment is that it's usually not a good environment to begin with. You hear it all the time when someone is raised under unfortunate circumstances. "Oh you can't blame me Your Honor; I am just a product of my environment." Becoming a product means that you have become "common", you don't have the ability to stand out and you have lost YOUR identity somewhere along the way. This actual action or series of actions will be transparent to you because you are fully immersed in that environment. It will usually be someone who has known you for a good majority of your life that will point out that you are "not yourself" or that you have "changed" and not for the better.

The good news is that you can become a product of a positive environment by taking one major life changing step………Elevate your company. That’s pretty much all there is to it. Change your friend pool. If you are a woman that is looking for a man then why would you constantly hang around bitter, angry women that always complain that "men ain't shit girl"? Every time you try to start a successful relationship she will come in with the Bullshit…….I promise she will. So what you do is weaned yourself off of that plate full of negativity. It will do you no good in the long run to sit at the table until you finish it all up, lol. Find some like minded individuals that haven’t given up on love or the prospect of love because it's out there. I will also state for the record that "ain't shit" is not a gender specific condition. It applies to both male and female, so just remember that for future reading J

If you have people in your life that are there for the sole purpose of breaking you down and criticizing everything you do in a negative manner then get rid of them. Terms like "awwwww that shit ain't gonna work" or "that’s a stupid idea". Now don’t turn on your friends that provide CONSTRUCTIVE criticism. Keep those people around you at all times. Trust me when I tell you that you will be able to see the difference. Just last week I had a revelation of sorts with a certain individual that shall remain nameless. It seems that every single time this person "graced" my Facebook page; it was always to be heard, criticize or just basically say some slick out-of-pocket bullshit. Well my immediate reaction was to respond and then it hit me. 20% of the people in your life will cause 80% of your grief. So using that math I decided to promptly block this person from my Facebook page to never return. If every time you speak to me, balderdash and poppycock come spewing from your pie hole then what good are you to me? Think about that next time you need to evaluate your friend pool.

If you want to be successful then stop hanging out on the corner with unsuccessful folks. Trust me when I tell you that once you have moved on to bigger and better things for upwards of 5-10 years later, they will still be on that same corner. I really didn’t want to believe my folks when they told me that 18+ years ago but damned if it ain't the truth. If you want to make money first step is to learn how to read. I don’t mean read in a conventional sense, I mean read with a purpose, take notes and implement what you read into your daily life. Find out what successful people have read and start there. Anything after that you will develop on your own to reflect what you want to be successful in.

My list is pretty extensive but I will cover the first 5

1. The 48 Laws of Power

2. How to Win Friends and Influence People

3. The Art of Seduction

4. The 4-Hour Workweek

5. The E Myth- Why Most Small Businesses Don’t work……..

So there, I have given you a sliver of my blueprint that will make 2011 a breakout year for me, but first I have some "friends list" cleaning to do, lol. Time to Elevate my company once again……….

Break the Rules & Be the Change

It's a damn shame that I have to be up at 4:30am but I am still WIDE AWAKE. So what better way to flush the days issues than a good ol' fashioned rant, lol. Sometimes I can come up with a concept and sometimes I just have to run and rattle off what's in my head at the moment so you all are going to be privy to the latter.

As I have stated before my 2010 went out with a whimper and not the usual BANG that brings in the New Year; partly because I have a lot of unfinished business from twenty ten. Slowly but surely things will get knocked down one by one and that’s my primary focus right now.

I have never been a big fan of rules because usually they have been developed for one of two reasons:

1. At some point a policy wasn’t made a policy until it was first a tragedy that could have been avoided with guidance. It didn’t NEED to be a rule it just needed foresight, over-watch and most importantly supervision.

2. Someone made a RULE because the outcome of a situation didn’t fit their need. So they decided to change the conditions and call them "rules".

In any event this is typical BS that happens everyday and that is my reason (right or wrong) for not giving a damn about most rules. I tend to use the common sense factor when attacking a situation. When you think about it, who are the rules really for? Let's take for example the issue in Chicago where it is against the law to have a hand gun. Now for all intents and purposes you have understand that this particular law doesn’t really matter to the career criminal. They will have guns anyway and even more so because they KNOW that if you are a law abiding citizen that you won't be able to defend yourself. This is just one example of the typical "Flawed law" or "Rules with no Reason".

Now I will divert from that for a second to talk about personal accountability and acceptance of the BS. Once again I will reference my boy Q-Maurice on this one. (You can check his blog by clicking on his name.) We frequently have this discussion and not because we debate the issue, it's because we whole-heartedly agree that you have 2 choices in life:

1. To accept things the way that they are or….

2. Accept the responsibility of changing them.

Now to caveat that I will add this: Become the change that you want to see in the world. Seems like a deep statement huh? Well think about it like this. If you set the example, someone is bound to follow and the next thing you know there is an epidemic of common sense rampant in America, lol. (We can all dream can't we).

Well that’s all I have for today. Now I will say this……….this is NOT an outcry for total and utter Anarchy. I am telling NO ONE to break the rules. Just remember that before you make a "new" rule check to see if it's REALLY necessary.

Your Mind Is All Over the Place

It's pretty funny that I can make this statement and have this revelation of sorts. In the last few years I have been devoid of the one

thing that made me GREAT. The one attribute that I could always count on in a pinch and that's my laser-like ability to focus on task and knock them down with the accuracy of an Olympic Archer.

Lately it seems as if my mind has been "heavily fragmented". That "slump" that you always hear about with sports teams, well yeah, now I can relate. It took someone else to point this out to me. This is the main reason I keep a tight knit group of REAL FRIENDS and not glorified "yes" men/women. I need to know when I am falling apart because sometimes (most of the time) we can’t really see ourselves the way the rest of the world sees us.

I have come to realize that the statement "Jack of All Trades, Master of None" is the most prevalent statement that I can make about myself at this point. I won’t go on some kind of self-absorbed tirade about my skills or how many flashes of brilliance I have. All of that means nothing without the ability to apply what I do know or what my skills are. Genius is noting without application. In that case I might as well be a paperweight.

There is a thin line between genius and insanity; usually it's in the application process. - AQEW

Now, it's time to find what I have been missing for the last few years. I will take the same approach to my seemingly insurmountable task as I do with my diet. I will implement bits and pieces one task at a time. No more of the "shotgun blast" approach to self-troubleshooting.

Even to this day there are people that tend to snub Hip-Hop for glorification or violence and the objectification of women. That’s just a small part of the reach. Once you stop and listen you will find some of the most poignant and prolific statements ever.

"If you knew better, you’d do better." - Fabolous

The moment I heard this it was like someone punched me in the back of the neck. The reason is because I DO know better. The context of the lyrical content wasn’t meant for the purpose that touched me; however isn’t that what music is all about? So I will take the advice of a VERY valued and trusted Friend/Confidant and take the next few weeks to re-organize my life. Yea it's going to take me some weeks (gotta be realistic, lol.)

Maybe then I can keep my mind from being all over the place and put it all back together again.

2010 With a Whimper not a BANG!

It's so funny that my first blog of 2011 will be about how tragically uneventful my 2010 was. Don't get me wrong.............I was tested in ways that I could not have imagined (more to follow on details later) even possible. My gripe is that will all of the hoopla that came with 2010 personal, professional, celebrity, politics, you name it. It disappeared with not so much as a fizzle.

To add insult to injury, I was confined to Augusta GA for the New Years Eve celebrations. That will NEVER happen again as long as I can help it.

See with me (and maybe it is just me), for every New Year celebration that I have been to there was a feeling of accomplishment, relief, joy or even sadness to see the year end and the new one begin. This time I

felt ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. They counted down, everyone screamed Happy New Year and they even dropped 9 balloons. It was so drastically uneventful that I had to look at my partner Q and ask for confirmation as I shrugged my shoulders "Anything?" I asked. He replied with "Nope, not at all."

So now I am mentally stuck wondering if 2011 is not so much of a new year but 2010.1. Just a new version of the madness that was 2010 for me. I know there are various parts of my life that I would really rather would have left and closed out in 2010 however I understand that the world doesn't always revolve around me. I can say that whatever course I choose I need to hit the ground running. Up my supplements, get on my diet (NATE HELP!!!) and prepare for battle every day that the Lord sees fit to allow me to wake.

For some strange reason I can smell the rain in the air and the leaves are turned upside down (its a Midwest thing), I know that a storm is coming............no correction THE STORM is coming. I won't run from it, as a matter of fact I plan to face this head on. Once again I am back on my BS, I am the end product of what happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object. Welcome to the year of the All American Bad Boy!

And This is Only the Beginning

So there I was no shit, sitting in the TMC with everything going wrong from the neck up. Sore throat, flem build up, a massive headache behind the eyes and a runny nose and a BP of 142/97.

I suppose it's been building for a while like one at a time. Can't think that it all hit me at once but DAMN why now?

Well it's just been confirmed by the Doc that I HAVE to get a sleep study done. Also that I suffer from migraines. Everyone always asked me if I got migraines but I have never been one to exaggerate my conditions so I just always thought they were just really bad headaches. Didn't know that light sensitivity was a symptom of migraines.

So now at 182lbs, and feeling as healthy as I ever had (just scored a 285 out of 300 on the Army Physical Fitness Test yesterday) I'm sitting here with an IV in my arm getting administered Toradol ( I guess that's how you spell it).

I guess I can't really discount what's been going on in my personal life as a cause since a lot of this can be stress related. All things considered I better try to pull it together since I know it's going to get a hell of a lot worse in the coming months before it gets better.

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On the ground re-fuel in Alaska and no I cant see Russia from here

On the ground re-fuel in Alaska, and no I cant see Russia from here

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Hail and Farewell Part 3 (The Hail)

For years I have considered myself a non-conformist. So again I will say to those of you that don’t know me, purchasing a Honda Anything (Outside of an NSX) is really not my style.

Having dealt with a German Car in an area like Augusta GA is akin to having the USS Enterprise. No one wants to touch it and everyone wonders what it is (or so it seems). So when I got to the Cleo Bay lot in TX I was immediately drawn to the 2007 VW Jetta GLI. Sleek, turbo and fast as all hell, however that wouldn’t stop my German car maintenance blues. As a matter of fact with it being a turbo it would most certainly add to my “who can fix it” problem. So after the flogging of the test drive to Copperas Cove I pulled on the lot to look for something more “responsible”.

Well Dillon (the salesman at Cleo Bay good looking out!) asked what it was that I was looking for. I told him that I would really like a V6 and leather. Everything else that usually falls within those lines has what I look for in comfort. Even if it doesn’t I know that I will more than likely do enough work to the car to make it what I want it to be. So he pointed me to a 2006 fully loaded Accord EX. V6, creamy leather interior, Satellite radio……………….hummmmmmmmmm this thing shows promise.

Well they maxed me out on my trade in of the Passat (of course) and this is a certified pre-owned Honda which means that it comes with a 100,000 mile power train warranty along with other perks and bonuses. Truth be told, unless you just like throwing money down the drain or you are one of those “I have to have it first in my neighborhood” types. I really don’t see the benefit of buying brand new anymore with all the certified pre-owned programs out there.

While not as smooth as the VW Passat that I had it had more than enough punch and with the upcoming modifications I am sure that I will be well within the 275-300 hp range in no time. I will start with the visual modifications first and go on to the sound system which will be tricky as the climate controls are integrated with the head unit. Stay tuned as this will no doubt be just as interesting as the last 2 babies that I had.