The Phoenix Effect Part 1: The Realization

The Phoenix Effect Part 1: The Realization

As you have all come to expect, when I have any significant event in my life it will be followed by a blog. Well as fate would have it this will be one of the longest and most intimate because in this case it was a significant “emotional” event. I will not use names and I will not indulge in “mud slinging”. Not because I am afraid of someone “cutting the buck” that I could honestly care less about, however it has NEVER been my style to say that I LOVE someone on Monday and then say that I HATE them on Wednesday. There is still a LOT of love there and because of that I am going to have to act out. Unfortunately for those of us that have been in this situation we find out the hard way that LOVE indeed does endure. That lil’ bastard is very resilient, lol. I do however feel that I have been mis-represented by an individual or 2 and want to clear the air. As with all of my blogs this is a cleansing for ME, not anyone else. Some folks deal with life situations the way they do and I deal with mine the way I do.

The Phoenix

To those of you that may not be familiar with the mythical bird known as the Phoenix I will give a brief explanation. The Phoenix is a bird of extraordinary plumage and beautiful color. The bird itself lives for a life-span of 500-1000 years. At the point that the bird feels that he will die, he builds a nest of sticks and twigs and lays in waiting until the time comes and his last breath ignites the nest. The flames consume both him and the nest in a magnificent inferno. Once the bird and nest are reduced to ashes, a brand new Baby Phoenix appears from the ashes to live for another 500-1000 years. Now the only uncertainty to the story is the debate of whether or not it is a brand new offspring that rises from the ashes or is it the same magnificent bird reborn for another 500-1000 years. For my own selfish reasons I would like to think that the same bird is indeed re-born with the knowledge of the past 500+ years. This is what enables the bird to survive for this immense length of time. Just think about how you could improve your quality of life if you were able to die and be reborn knowing what you knew your entire life. The pitfalls that you could avoid, the investments you could make and the mistakes you could avoid.

So this will be a 4 part series that will cover the next few weeks and possibly months. This first part will be known as “The Realization”. This is where the Phoenix acknowledges that his time has actually come to pass.

These last few weeks and even further back to the last few years have been pretty much what I consider to be an awakening so to speak. Anyone that knows me also knows that there has been a change of epic proportions in the last week or so. Before I do however go into it I will state that we are still friends. We are not slinging mud at each other and it is a process to make a transition of this magnitude. So with that please respect her as well as me. NOW………..let me get to something that you all will find strangely uncharacteristic of me but hey what do you do. Please forgive the next section as it will more than likely not be as eloquent as my usual banter.

BITCH ASS NESS

Some things are unwritten rules for “friends”. Some things don’t need to be asked or explained. One of these unwritten rules will come in the form of keeping the discussions between friends. To give you a few small details without using names here is the scenario:

If I am asking questions that I do not get answers to I will seek knowledge elsewhere. I can’t apologize for this as it is just how I am; hate it or love it. So I called someone that I “assumed” was a friend to inquire about some of the “new” habits of my girlfriend as I figured he would know. Well 2 questions were asked and both were answered with inaudible mumbles that told me he was uncomfortable with providing ME answers. Usually this only happens when someone knows or suspects something that they don’t want to say. No problem, I get it. Well it seems as if he only had that communication gap with ME. As on the next available day he chose to not only tell the entire contents of OUR conversation to my now ex-girlfriend but apparently elaborate to the point that she was upset. Now this is a CLEAR violation of what we call “Man Law” and is described as Bitch Ass-Ness. To my limited recollection there are only 3 reasons that a man would do such a thing:

1. He is one of the subjects or is messing with her himself

2. He WANTS to be one of the subjects or wants to try

3. He knows someone that is and doesn't want this person caught up.

Now I can say that NONE of these reasons are valid. No matter what your agenda, you shouldn't have to break code to fulfill said agenda. If you have desires to get what I have then do it on your own merit. Keep my fucking name out of your mouth. Now you can deny it if you want but remember fella, I was sitting on the sidelines with you before you knew we were dating so I know what you REALLY want to do. Now I am in a quandary of sorts.

Now that I have been wronged I feel the need to be retaliatory. I already know what some of you are thinking. "Nine you're better than that", "Don't stoop to his level" or "Don't be messy like that because it's not a good look". Well to that I say "Yes indeed, I am better than that and honestly that entitles me to be afforded the opportunity to get on that level at anytime and I could really give a damn less what kind of look it gets me". Yes Boys and Girls, I am about to engage in SUPERIOR Bitch Ass-ness. "But Why Nine, WHY?". Because this entire ordeal has brought me more PERSONAL pain than I could have ever imagined and his inability to keep his mouth shut was the final catalyst. Therefore I want Him to experience that pain as well, or a form of it anyway. There are a few quotes that I coined and use frequently; one is:

People do things without the fear of repercussions - Nine

There is a VERY thin line between genius and insanity. That can usually be found in the application. - Nine

Well repercussions are due and I have been tipped to insanity. Not one time while I was there did I put his dirt out there. How did I know said dirt? Because he confided in me as i did him. After repeated ribbings and fishing by those around us I stayed the course and never divulged what I knew. However this was not reciprocated. Not a problem. I have a fix for this condition. It's called "Let's find out how the Mrs. Feels about your girlfriend". The great thing about my profession is that personal information is so readily available such as Spouse's name, last place of employment and PHONE NUMBERS. This gives me the ability to be as Dirty, Devious, Diabolical and Despicable as anyone out there. Once again denial is futile because once that seed is planted……it will grow. She will be able to connect some dots, fill in some blanks and what not. So good luck with the explanation of "He's only saying that because I told his lady he was asking me questions about her." Then she would probably ask you what we are all wondering. "Why would you go and do that?" Up until this point in my life my "Superman-like" mentality of the proverbial "good guy" USUALLY prevents me from acting out to this extent. Well think of this as me on Red Kryptonite (look it up). At this point in my life I am tired of being the good guy and just taking it. Time for me to dish it out! Besides, I am due my re-birth soon anyway. Some of you may wonder what I want to gain from any of this, or do I have delusions that this will repair my now shattered relationship......the answer is NOTHING and NO I DON'T. I just want someone (involved) to experience hurt. That's it.

Now in the interest of fairness I will wait approximately 48hours from the date this is posted to make the contact with said spouse. Think I'm selling wolf-tickets? Try me. So there it is. Now I will say that I know from experience that it always sounds better coming from you than from an outside source. My recommendation, tell the Mrs. yourself. One caveat I will put here is that there are individuals that can tell me something that will stop all of this. One clue is that he is one of them. He has my number so that part is up to him……….moving on.

The craziest thing of all is where the idea to actually do this manifested. In the movie Inception they speak of someone planting a seed and it spreading and growing like a cancer. I was presented with an idea long ago and just like they said the seed was planted and it spread. I had a discussion with a beautiful young lady that told me she kept all of the e-mails her lover had sent to her. She used this as a sort of "heartbreak insurance". When I asked what was the purpose she said "well if he chooses to leave me after telling me about how much he loves me, wants to start a life with me and so on; then gets back with her once he leaves here I will send her all of the e-mails." I was like "Well damn that’s pretty harsh don’t you think." She responded in a way that up until now I couldn't fully wrap my mind around. She said "If after all that he said and drew me in to fall in love with him he was to do that and break my heart, then I was going to break his and make sure he wasn't happy." Intense, yes. Vengeful, yes. Crazy, maybe so. But at that point I realized that you do not play with matters of the heart.

So hard to breathe this air that we call love,

Ain't nothing worse than the hurt we receive from love,

When you get hurt by the one you living for,

Pain can make you wanna love no more

- Loving You No More

Have I been less than stellar in my behavior in the past year…..yes I have. There are things I look back on now and wish I would have done different. Statements that I SHOULD have taken at face value only. Things that I realize were said “for the moment”. Because of that there are people that have become collateral damage in the wake of this. Does he know of this activity? Why yes he does HOWEVER I would be concerned IF I didn't have a small document that says I am no longer married. Besides there is a distinct possibility that because of everything that has happened to me in the last 2 weeks that I felt that Karma has come to fully serve me and completely kick my ass. The strangest thing about knowing when you have hurt someone is that there is only one way to fix it and that’s with a discussion. Therefore I have already asked that other individual listed on the document for forgiveness. So there you have it. BITCH ASS-NESS to the umpteenth degree. Let's watch this unfold shall we?

Special shout goes out to Bodacious. He who kept it real by actually asking if I wanted to hear the truth and then gave it to me. I will say that it did indeed lessen the blow when what you said actually came to pass. That was definitely the Yin to the Yang that is my current situation. Much love and respect.

So in summary my Realization comes in the form of me now knowing that once I am re-born from the ashes and in order for me to live out my next full lifespan I cannot re-emerge as the good guy.

So in the words of Tony Montana:

“Say Goodnight to the Bad Guy……..the last time you will see a Bad Guy like this again I tell you!”

The clock is now ticking…………Tick Tock, Tick Tock.

I Cry

I don’t know how many of you have heard of a small time rapper/actor by the name of Tupac Shakur, lol. What a lot of people outside of the confines of the radio didn’t know is that Tupac was also a poet. Not just a conventional "street poet" but an actual writer of poems. He penned a book entitled "The Rose that Grew from Concrete". In this book are no less than 100 hand- written poems by the man himself BEFORE all of the drama, the shooting and the jail time for a crime that to this day I don’t think he committed.

One of the most poignant poems to me is called I Cry. For reasons that still escape me I am an emotional creature. Some would say that it is because I am a Pisces and others would say that it's because we all are, just some are afraid to show it. Whatever the reason I evoke emotion that some say is so powerful that they can literally feel my emotion in my words.

I Cry

Sometimes when I'm alone

I Cry,
Cause I am on my own.
The tears I cry are bitter and warm.
They flow with life but take no form
I Cry because my heart is torn.
I find it difficult to carry on.
If I had an ear to confide in,
I would cry among my treasured friend,
but who do you know that stops that long,
to help another carry on.
The world moves fast and it would rather pass by.
Then to stop and see what makes one cry,
so painful and sad.
And sometimes...
I Cry
and no one cares about why.
- Tupac Shakur

This poem conjures up so much to me because for whatever reason I can REALLY relate; not only to the poem but to Tupac as well. Here was a man that was born the son of a member of the Black Panther party; as some may know this others may not. By many assertions I have a deep knowledge of the Black Panther party from my grandfather. Although he never just came out and said that he was an active member I know now through various conversations that I had with him growing up that more than likely he was.

We are taught as boys that are to become men some day that to cry is a sign of weakness. Not to do it as to submit yourself to ridicule and embarrassment no matter what has taken place. For years I lived by this mantra as that is how I was raised. I know now that tears indeed have a place. Now I am going to say something that I want you to think about when you read this next paragraph.

Emotions are just that. Thoughts that come abound and give us a conscious mental reaction. This can be joy, anger, fear, sadness, elation……the list goes on. Now this is going to be deep:

Tears are the sole physical manifestation of emotion.

- Aaron "K-Nine" Washington

(I think I am going to patent this statement, lol)

They are indeed tangible. You can touch them, you can see them, and you can feel them roll down your face. Once a tear falls, for whatever reason, you know that you have been touched to the point of being overwhelmed with emotion so much that it had to have an outlet. That outlet is the tear. Without knowing you, anyone can see a tear and know that you feel SOMETHING, ANYTHING.

There have been times in my life that I have cried for various reasons. The death of my mother and the birth of my son. When I thought that I would never lift weights again because of a torn rotator cuff. The one constant that I know within myself if that once a tear falls from my face I am changed forever. Sometimes for the better and sometimes for the worse. When my son was born and I cried, I made a pledge to myself to ALWAYS strive to do better. When my mother passed I made a pact to myself to let any woman that I was involved with know EXACTLY how I felt about them as I didn’t think that I adequately expressed that to her before she passed. I know she knew that I loved her but sometimes, most of the time it is something that still NEEDS to be spoken. So now I make it a point to tell the women in my life that I love them when I do. I don’t want anyone to ever pass away from this Earth wondering how I TRULY felt about them.

Then there are those times that I have cried and it cleansed my soul. The tears washed away any confusion and brought a moment of clarity like none other that I have ever felt. The problem with that "moment of clarity" is that it makes me EXTREMELY self aware. To the point that every tear that is shed coats my skin with a protective layer that cannot be removed. Men don’t cry often, some say that they don’t cry at all. Just know that when/if they do, they will be changed……..FOREVER.

Just be aware that if you are the catalyst for the tears that you might not like the manifestation that occurs.