My Mask

First I would like to apologize. Because I have been living a lie. Don’t get all worried thinking I am coming out of the closet or some foolishness like that (to each their own).
From the time I was a child I have been theatrical, dramatic and very animated. I came by it honestly as my Uncle Harold was the most animated man I know. My family wasn’t rich growing up but our riches came in the form of loving life. We all have a fantastic sense of humor and can light up a room if we so please. The down side to this is that we are even better at masking emotions, shortcomings, bad behavior and just plain out wrong doing.
It's a blessing and a curse to be able to pull that off for any length of time. So much so that just like a cop that’s been undercover too long, you begin to blur your reality from REAL reality. The longer you play into this charade you find yourself at the PONR (point of no return). If you are lucky enough to fall back to Earth it is indeed a very far fall. Well, I just came thru the ozone layer and its crash and burn for me. Like the new Superman movie where he fell from space to the Central Park of Metropolis, I will leave a crater the size of a baseball field but I won't perish. I will be carried to a facility to heal and lick my wounds. But I am getting ahead of myself. Here are my confessions for the world to see. (Bout to have an Eminem in 8-mile moment……….)

I am insecure. There I said it for the entire world to read. Despite what you may see when you look at me, I don’t have the flair that I used to. I have never been one to buy into my "looks" or physical prowess because it can always be taken away in an instant. One car accident, one good fight with a baseball bat and all that "cute" and "handsome" shit is out the window. I was raised with humility and to treat people the way that I want to be treated. That has been my problem from day 1. Like Superman (I like the comparison) I have faith that the majority of mankind will do the right thing, and just like Superman I have my Kryptonite which comes in the form of love.

In every relationship that I have been in that meant anything to me I have been cheated on.Because I am not an asshole. I won't go thru your phone looking for shit, I will ask you one time "who is that on the phone" once you deem him as a friend then that’s that. So in essence I am easy to cheat on because I am a "good guy" All but two women have crippled my faith in the female species. The first one knows who she is and to this day I thank her for showing me that there are women out there that appreciate a good dude. She unknowingly facilitated the trust and faith that I had in #2. So many similarities yet so different was #2. Problem is that my Mask was what she (#2) met. She didn’t see the pain that I had endured at the time and was still dealing with.

My Swagger took a hit of Tyson-in-his-prime proportions over the course of the last 2.5 years. I was lead to believe that I was not worthy of unconditional love. Like a man in solitary confinement, sooner or later you will be broken and that’s what happened to me. It didn’t happen overnight. It took YEARS to break me down to the very last compound. Like water beating on the rocks of the beach to create sand you never notice it coming, it just happens.

Those that knew me in Texas saw me at my BEST! Swagger on a hundred-thousand-million. Not cocky, just confident. I was at the prime of my life doing what I needed to do to survive and having a ball doing it in the process. That was me. Mask off, full headshot to the camera smiling and grinning like the cat that ate the canary.

It's what came after Texas that shook my confidence to the core. Without going into the deep specifics I will give you the Cliffs Notes. Boy meets girl, boy and girl are inseparable friends, girl watches as boy goes thru painful relationship. She is there for him; boy and girl decide that they should give each other a try. Beautiful relationship ensues UNTIL boy goes to Korea. Boy and girl talk every day. Girl meets another boy. Says boy is "just a friend". Girl calls boy and says it's over (not knowing that boy was going to propose). Girl gets pregnant by new boy gets married, gets divorced. The end.
The part that no one seems to remember is that everyone was co-signing the "friend" aspect of the side relationship. "Don't worry Nine" "He ain't got nothing on you" "He's skinny and ugly" blah blah freaking blah.
Truth is, it was what I thought it was. BLUF (Bottom Line Up Front). That was start of my downward spiral. Because with all of my "attributes" it still happened. Nothing I did could stop it. I began to question everything that was me. My looks, my build, my personality, my sense of humor, my status……..everything. That is when I put on my mask. I have worn this mask since 2005. Not that everything has been a lie but I no longer had what I so deeply cherished which are indeed my sanity, demeanor and confidence. Oh sure, it looked all good as I kept my mask clean and serviceable at all times but underneath was the pain and anguish of a broken soul struggling to find my way back to glory.

Nothing in the world can break a man down like setting up the perfect trip, for the perfect proposal in front of the fountain at the Venetian with the perfect ring with who you thought at the time was the perfect woman for it all to fall apart with one……..phone………call.

I have dragged that experience into every relationship since that time. Sure I would suppress that but lingering like a Lion on the Serengeti he would wait for my moment of weakness, when I was alone and in the dark. All by myself with my overactive imagination. He would take nibbles of me to keep me weak. Not allowing me to stand. As I crawled away he would let me go just far enough to where I thought he had found another prey only to come back to me.

My battle with my insecurities seems like it will have another casualty in the form of #2. I have no reason on Earth not to trust #2 other than my own insecurities as right now I am in a low point in my life and don’t have much to offer. As #2 has gone out of her way to make me comfortable in the relationship there was just enough of a crack in MY armor to facilitate doubt as to "why me". "Am I worthy" yadda yadda yadda.

My happiness is strangely tied to my bank account balance. When I have plenty expendable cash my confidence rises. When I feel strapped, I tend to regress and lash out or just recede into the background. When I was in TX I had money, kept money and could get PLENTY money every week doing what at the time I did BEST. Entertain.
My insecurities would lead me to believe that I had nothing to offer, other than unconditional love. Although it was a scary prospect, I would give it a try. Damn the devil if my Lion didn’t reappear. At the worst time. Damn him, Damn Him to HELL!

I have a tattoo of Comedy/Tragedy mask on my arm. Got it right after the Boy Meets Girl incident. Seemed fitting as that would be the story of my life in a nutshell. I am constantly tormented by my insecurities but as I write this for my cleanse. I will for the first time in 6 years remove my mask to reveal myself to the world.

Those that have been in my corner during my mask years, I thank and salute you. For you all are the reason that I can now take this off and let my pores breathe. Once I reveal myself to become me again understand that it will be a process.

I just hope it’s not too late.